''I've decided to become a gay male prostitute,'' I announced over dinner.

''Does it offer benefits?'' Naomi fired back.

''No, seriously. I've been giving this a lot of thought.''

''When do you start?''

Apparently Naomi assumed I was just doing one of my bits. But I wasn't. It was yet another attempt at telling her what I saw in the woods the other day. I had intended to say, ''I saw something really weird in the woods the other day,'' but it came out ''I've decided to become a gay male prostitute.'' Only this time, oddly, she didn't comment on my high, whiny Jackie Vernon-esque delivery. I guess she had gotten used to it.

Son of a bitch! I thought to myself. Not only had I failed yet again at telling Naomi about those three silver balls, but I now had to figure out a way to improvise my way out of this big announcement. It had to lead to something funny, and fast.

''Yeah, I heard on Clark Howard that you should specialize. He said that's where the money is.''

''In prostitution?''

''No, in specialization. Regardless of the field. See, I figure these pervo fetishists will pay big bucks to indulge in their obsessions. And the more obscure the kink, the riper the market. And these days, they've got every perversion under the shining sun. Asphyxiation. Midgets. Amputation. Raw oysters. Etemolgnia. For any fetish you can think of, there's bound to be a few hundred aficionados.''

''How do you know so much about all this?''

''The Internet.''

Actually, I was making it all up as I went along. (I pieced together ''etemolgnia'' from the Latin prefix ''etem'' meaning ''insects'' and the suffix ''lagnia'' meaning ''oral fixation.'')

''So what's your specialty?'' she asked, passing me a bowl of beans. ''Will you be sawing off any appendages?''

''No, this one's much more perverse. I'm gonna specialize in servicing guys who get off on sitting in a living room, fully clothed, chatting about sports. In separate chairs, by the way.''

''So that's all you'll do, just sit there talking sports?''

''In separate chairs.''

''That's sick.''

''Exactly!''